Sony Acquires Tesla in Possible Retaliation for Microsoft's Activision Merger (April Fools Article) - ArticlePaul Broussard , posted on 01 April 2023 / 158,518 Views
IGN and Adam Schefter both independently confirmed this morning that Sony has filed a motion in the United States FTC to purchase a controlling share in Tesla Automobiles Inc., in a move speculated by many to be in retaliation for Microsoft’s recent proposed acquisition of Activision/Blizzard.
In an interview with reporters, Herman Hulst, head of PlayStation Studios, commented: “This acquisition is designed purely to introduce games to a broader audience. By welcoming Tesla to the Sony family, we hope that we can bring incredible titles like God of War: Ragnarok, Ghost of Tsushima, and Horizon: Forbidden West to all sorts of men going through a car-focused mid-life crisis that might not have experienced them otherwise.”
The full details of the proposed merger were not made public at press time, but Hulst did confirm that upcoming Model 3s and Model Ys would come with a PS5 digital model built into the car’s computer, and that a remastered version of Bloodborne at 60 fps would be available at launch exclusively for Tesla owners.
When asked if this deal was an attempt to “get back” at Microsoft for its takeover of Activision, Hulst downplayed any animosity: “This has nothing to do with Microsoft. We simply view the automobile market as a smart business choice for us. As cars become self-driving, consumers will demand entertainment during their travels. We believe video games are the perfect fit, and Tesla is the perfect fit for us.”
Hulst then went on to elaborate on some examples of how cars and video games fit together, including a pre-packaged game mode customers can play when out for a ride where they try to kill more people in Uncharted than the Tesla self-driving mechanism does in real life.
Jim Ryan, President of Sony Interactive Entertainment, was more confrontational in his comments. “Those cowards at Microsoft think they can just win by chasing artificial exclusivity and keeping PlayStation gamers from experiencing new titles. That’s not the industry I remember. Shame on Microsoft for stooping to such underhanded, anti-consumer tactics.” Shortly after Ryan’s public remarks, Square Enix was spotted coughing awkwardly and attempting to slip out of the conference room, with royalty checks from Final Fantasy VII falling out of an absurdly stuffed duffel bag.
On the opposite side, former Tesla owner, Elon Musk, did not have much of a response. “What can I say? I blew all my money on Twitter and I don’t have any more exploitable child laborers in emerald mines to get my cash back. Now I gotta find some way to pay back the alphabet mafia, or they’ll make me name my next kid after a barcode label. By the way, how many of the IT guys here at Twitter do you think I could get rid of before the website implodes into a black hole and destroys San Francisco?”
Rumors suggest that the deal is expected to go into effect as soon as possible, with Tesla’s board eager to sell before Musk could do some new incredibly stupid thing and tank the company’s stock price into the double digits.
When asked about the proposed merger, Phil Spencer, Microsoft Gaming CEO, tried to project confidence.
“No, I wouldn’t say we’re worried about the new deal. At Microsoft, we believe in our stellar lineup of console exclusives that make Xbox the best place to play. Just this year alone, Xbox will receive Starfield, and… uh… oh, Redfall, that’s a big one, right? And it’s been a year and a half now, 343 is due to make Halo Infinite not suck any day now, yeah? That’s like a whole three exclusives.”
Spencer was later seen negotiating with the merchant from Resident Evil 4 in a hushed voice, attempting to trade several hundred thousand unbought copies of Fighter Within for a controlling stake in FromSoftware.
Sony’s second party developers were generally enthusiastic about the proposed acquisition.
“Tesla’s map instructions are well known for being overbearing and treating the driver like a five year old. So we naturally thought it was a great fit for our God of War AI,” Sony Santa Monica said in a statement.
“It looks like it could be a cool inspiration for an enemy design in the next Horizon game,” Guerrilla Games studio head Angie Smets remarked. “I mean, it catches on fire spontaneously and then tries to run you over; that’s pretty threatening.”
“It’s cool, I guess, but seems unoriginal,” Housemarque noted. “We were doing the whole ‘child dies in a car crash’ thing way back in 2021.”
Other publishers around the industry had their own thoughts on the deal.
“Consoles, computers, cars, whatever. We’ll port Skyrim to it.” Todd Howard commented.
“It’s funny you should mention cars. The West started liking Monster Hunter recently, so we’ve become very rich all of a sudden. We’re actually thinking about buying all the cars in Japan and selling real life wirebugs to corner the market on transportation while promoting our most popular series,” Capcom president Haruhiro Tsujimoto said.
“Hey, I’m all for getting cars involved,” Rob Kostich, President of Activision, said. “Makes it easier for me to flee from workplace harassment allegations.”
Nintendo, as always, was the odd man out. “Cars are a huge investment, and for many families, can be passed down from parent to child and last for dozens of years. Because of their lifespan, they represent a great opportunity for kids to experience the titles their parents grew up on and to support the preservation of gaming, and so of course we absolutely hate it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go greenlight three more Pokemon games for this year. That Scrooge McDuck pool of gold coins doesn’t fill itself.”
At the time of posting, pre-orders for the new Tesla PlayStation Model had already sold out, and were being scalped on eBay for either $100,000 or a single physical copy of Metroid Prime Remastered.
April fools of course, but if sony wanted to retaliate Take2 would sale more consoles than ABK and a lot less money
"...including a pre-packaged game mode customers can play when out for a ride where they try to kill more people in Uncharted than the Tesla self-driving mechanism does in real life."
Studies suggest self-driving child collisions are 26% easier to stomach w/ the general public when Nathan Drake makes quippy lines after the fact. Win-win for both companies.
I forgot it was April 1st. But that headline immediately reminded me that it was. Next time be a little more realistic. Reverse it where Tesla buys Sony. That at least would give people some pause and actually think it was happening. A $700+ billion dollar buying a $100 billion dollar company is in the realm of being a possibility. Especially with Elon Musk is involved.
The best gaming related April fools I can remember was an headline by one of the game mags that said that Shigeru Miyamoto had joined Sony as head of PlayStation development after his complaints about N64 cartridge sizes were ignored by Nintendo.
"Next time be a little more realistic."
I've seen this criticism bandied around here & Twitter, but I just don't get it. While it's indeed true Tesla is bigger than Sony, the thrust of the joke hinges on the MS/Sony spending spree going on. The setups & punchlines only work taking this route imo.
'A remastered version of Bloodborne at 60 fps would be available at launch exclusively for Tesla owners.'
Time to start saving for a Tesla.
Holy shit, I'm the first person to comment on this...GODDAMNIT, the "Show 1 new comment" thingy just showed up while I was typing that, lol! (And now it's three while I sit here trying to come up with something witty to add.) Anyway, I appreciate the March 31st joke here. It's still March 31st right now in Texas. (That's the best I can do. I'm tired. Don't make fun or I'll have ChatGPT reissue your birth certificate as a letter of apology.)