Top Ten Sexually Awkward Video Game Moments
by Stephen Kelley, posted on 16 August 2009 / 211,515 Views
It can happen to anyone: let's say you are watching a film with your parents, and an insanely vulgar display of crude sexual imagery comes up on the screen. In your mind you are torn between laughing as the film has intended or trying your best to act repulsed as to make your parents think you have a better sense of morals than you really do. This type of thing can happen in many situations, and they especially occur in video games. Whether it be a mistranslation, or an overt act of zaniness these are the top 10 sexually awkward video game moments in the history of gaming. Please play these games alone, or at your own risk.
10. Cloud on a date with Barrett
A little known hidden gem in Final Fantasy VII is its affinity system. All this system serves is to see which of four characters you will go on a date with towards the middle of the game at the Golden Saucer. There are four characters that can go on the date: Aeris, Tifa, Yuffie and as odd as it may seem Barrett. Basically depending on how you answer certain questions throughout your play through, you can tweak these parameters to your liking. The creepy thing is that the date with Barrett is not only pretty awkward from, the beginning, but it is the only one full of sexual tension, awkward pauses and misguided anger. Here is an excerpt of how Barrett sweeps Cloud off of his feet:
Barrett: I was just thinking of going for a walk
Cloud: What?! just the two of us?
Barrett: What’s wrong with that!?
Don’t give me no lip, I say we go!
Smooth Barrett, real smooth!
9. Simply Playing Stretch Panic
Once in a while a game comes around that is so eccentric and bizarre that you can only assume it would stay in Japan, the land of vending machine panties and cubicle hotels. A few games such as Katamari Damacy come over here and become a hit, but others come over here and are still too weird. Take Stretch Panic, a game where you play as a girl named Linda trying to rid your sisters of the curse of vanity. You are aided in this by a mysterious demon scarf that whips around and can snap and stretch objects. This may sound like a good game for people that idolize Paris Hilton to play until you see items such as the following:
That’s right; you have to fight things like Giant Boobs.
8. Thunder Ryu In No More Heroes
Every once in a while there comes a video game character that is so creepy that you are not sure if you should laugh or take a shower after witnessing their antics. One that really sticks out in my Mind is Thunder Ryu from Suda 51’s No More Heroes. He is a 51-year-old former Japanese professional wrestler turned Yakuza running a gym near the hotel that you stay. His purpose in the game is to teach you new wrestling moves and sword fighting techniques and to sexually harass Travis. At one moment you will be trying to learn a new technique, next Thunder Ryu is telling you to take your clothes off and bend over.
7. Weird Fetishism in Killer 7
Another one of Suda 51’s games has just as much weird sexual overtones to really make you scratch your head. Killer 7 is full of sexual imagery such as a character that seemingly “enjoys” killing people a bit too much and other shenanigans, but the crown goes to Iwazaru a ghost-like character that helps you in the game. He must have done something really bad to trapped in his afterlife, as he is ever-clad in gaudy red bondage gear and hanging on the ceiling.
6. Link GTA style
Remember all of the controversy that surrounded Grand Theft Auto when it was realized by the mainstream media that you can heal your character by having a “date” with a prostitute. Well GTA is not the forefather of this in-game even as Nintendo had a similar mechanic in The Legend of Zelda II: The adventure of Link. In every town you can find a horde of red clad women who are more than happy to let you stay in their house and “rest” for a little while. Anyone who has any smarts whatsoever can see that her proposition is only a cover.
5. Ring King – Unintentional porn
Ring King is an infamous arcade-style boxing game that won notoriety because of the poor animation of the NES console. The NES/Famicom version of Ring King/Family Boxing shows a scene with the corner men seemingly performing fellatio on the boxer between rounds. The pictures speak for themselves:
4. Tingle
Tingle of Legend of Zelda fame, is one of those characters that isn’t too creepy until you really think about it. Keep in mind that Tingle is a short, paunchy 35-year-old man who is completely obsessed with "forest fairies" and dresses up in a green costume, slightly resembling that of the main character, Link. He also likes to ride around on his balloon and sell maps to small children. Tingle is the kind of guy that they show on the 10 o' clock news that had worked at a Pizza Hut all of his life, and nobody knew he was a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.
:: shudders ::
3. Otacon pretty much all of the time
In Metal Gear Solid, the first time you meet the character known as Otacon he is peeing himself. That should be an ill omen for what is to come. Otacon, is not only awkward, but sexually confused, and seems to air his dirty laundry all too frequently about his relationship with his stepmother. The most awkward thing he does in any game is the many times he hits on Snake. After he's been freed by Snake, Otacon approaches Snake and asks him "Do you think love can bloom, even on a battlefield?" It’s hard not to chuckle when you hear this line, as within the context of the situation, you just saved him and have become his true hero. We all know he was talking about Sniper Wolf, but the initial shock is the funniest part.
2. Reading the instruction manual for SMB 2
According to the North American instruction manual of Super Mario Bros. 2:
"Birdo thinks he is a girl and likes to be called Birdetta. He likes to wear a bow on his head and shoot eggs from his mouth."
YIKES!!
1. Cho Aniki –‘Nuff said
Many have heard of this totally insane series on various magazines and TV shows, and many have also played it as the first game is available on virtual console as we speak, so it is quite infamous. The games story is as follows: Bo Emperor Bill, the man who achieved ten consecutive victories in the Great Galaxy Bodybuilding contest, faces an ever decreasing supply of protein. He unilaterally invades neighboring star systems, in order to establish protein factories to replenish his supply. Feeling threatened, the heaven realm sent Idaten and Benten to vanquish Bo Emperor Bill. With that said, be prepared to fight all manner of crazy garish imagery as the scrolling shooter (ala Gradius) game progresses. Just make sure nobody comes over as you are playing the game, as the level of camp can be deadly.
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