The following is the first in a new series of parody articles. None of the below claims or quotations are meant to be taken as factual or serious representations of the persons or events in question.
The United States Justice Department announced this morning that it was assigning formerly imprisoned hacker, Gary Bowser, to hard labor underneath Nintendo’s headquarters in Kyoto, Japan.
The move, announced as part of Nintendo’s legal recuperation for Bowser’s distribution of illegally obtained roms, would likely consign Bowser to the infamous “polygon mines,” where hackers, torrenters, and others who have fallen awry of Nintendo’s hardline anti-emulation stance are forced to mine for GPU components for future Nintendo systems.
The move, announced as part of Nintendo’s legal recuperation for Bowser’s distribution of illegally obtained roms, would likely consign Bowser to the infamous “polygon mines,” where hackers, torrenters, and others who have fallen awry of Nintendo’s hardline anti-emulation stance are forced to mine for GPU components for future Nintendo systems.
“Nintendo is pleased with the court’s ruling,” the gaming giant said in a statement. “We believe strongly in protecting the intellectual property rights of our company and its respective licenses, and today’s ruling sends a strong message to would-be hackers around the world: think before you pirate. Because we can and will ruin your life over this.”
When interviewed by GameFAUX reporter Bob Madkatz, Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser echoed the sentiment.
“Look, do I enjoy the prospect of someone being financially crippled for the rest of their life because they distributed some old games that we were never going to make a single dime selling again? Well, since you asked, yes, I do - a lot. I get high off it. Actually, do you mind if I DMCA another fan game real quick? I need another hit.”
“The funniest thing is we barely even use the GPU stuff they mine up,” Bowser commented after he returned. “That’s just for kicks. We’ve actually got the Switch successor all planned out already, and it runs entirely on dial-up modems and used Taco Bell hot sauce packets.”
Shuntaro Furukawa, president of Nintendo Japan, had his own thoughts.
“Honestly I don’t even care about the pirating stuff that much. I’m just here to see how much of a dick we can be to our fanbase before people actually boycott our stuff. Just watch; I’m gonna sue this grandma for having a Mario themed mailbox and there’ll still be bootlickers on Twitter defending us.”
“Like it’s genuinely hilarious at this point that people still think we don’t just have a raging hatred for all video game players. We got rid of the eshop and replaced it with an objectively worse service. We legitimately suggested 'pay $200 for an eBay copy of Path of Radiance' as a solution for playing old games. Hell, we literally just tried our damndest to make sure a handicapped, non-violent offender had to spend literal years in a federal prison that holds murderers and rapists. I’m genuinely curious what we would have to do before you guys realize we despise gamers, nay, humanity as a whole. If we lace the next Kirby game with anthrax, would that be enough to get it through your thick skulls?”
Some others were seemingly unaware.
“We did what? Sorry, I gotta run, I finally got the investors to approve a full-length Pikmin movie and I can’t let it go to waste” Shigeru Miyamoto said. “By the way, while I’m gone, do you think you could test out this new Star Fox control scheme I came up with? You use your toes to move the ship and you wiggle your pancreas to shoot; we think it’ll change the way you play games.”
“What’s that? F-Zero? You greedy assholes already got a whole two DLC tracks in Mario Kart, go fuck yourselves.”
Most other Nintendo higher-ups were tight-lipped about the ruling, but former Nintendo of America president, Reggie Fils-Aime, was willing to share his thoughts.
“That’s Nintendo for you. Very protective of their IP. Feel bad for him too; he’ll spend the rest of his life toiling away alongside Melee players and tournament organizers. And if you thought those guys smelled bad at tournament… hoo boy, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”
When we talked to the offending party, he was surprisingly upbeat.
“Yeah, I’ve been essentially assigned to slavery,” Gary Bowser said. “But somehow I’ll still be earning more money than I would be working a prison job, so my life’s looking up.”
Nintendo had no further comment at time of press release. Sources indicate higher-ups were scrambling to announce another Nintendo Direct to distract everyone after documents leaked revealed Nintendo had been partially responsible for the Cuban Missile Crisis.
