GameFAUX: Kotaku Publishes Classified US Military Documents After Being Denied Access to White House Briefings - Article
by Paul Broussard , posted on 06 May 2023 / 4,627 Views
The following is a parody article. The below claims and quotations are not meant to be taken as factual or serious representations of the persons or events in question.
Gaming outlet Kotaku published a series of leaked, top secret military documents pertaining to the US’s ongoing efforts to aid Ukraine in its ongoing war. The move, widely suspected to be an act of payback, came shortly after Kotaku’s application to be present during White House briefings was denied.
“Kotaku is a well-respected outlet, and not being given access to White House briefings while all those other so-called ‘journalists’ get in is unprofessional and coercive,” Kotaku writer Ethan Gach said. “It’s a disservice to our viewers. As a result, I have no choice but to help promote published classified military secrets as an act of petty revenge.” He later added: "This will definitely be an effective way to get back in the White House's good graces and get the access we want later."
When asked if he felt the White House’s refusal had anything to do with Kotaku publishing an article last year instructing people on how to evade taxes, Gach brushed it off. “What, you expected self-awareness from Kotaku? Get real.”
Reached for comment, another Kotaku writer, Luke Plunkett, had this to say: “Kotaku has been a long-standing bastion of journalistic integrity that has won countless gold stars. And now the White House is trying to brush all those stars under the rug as if they didn't matter. Well, you know who else tried to get rid of a bunch of people wearing gold stars? That's right: Hitler. This is basically Nazi Germany. Wake up sheeple."
His co-worker, Sisi Jiang, later tried to clarify Plunkett's comments. "So, actually, the gold star was originally not a way to mark a minority group for persecution, and actually a historical representation of the hope of the coming... you know what, I can't do this, that comment was too fucking stupid. Luke, I'm sorry buddy, you're on your own. I'd rather just go listen to Patricia Hernandez complain about Michelangelo’s Statue of David being nude again."
When we reached out to former author Brian Ashcraft, he provided his own perspective. “Frankly, I’m surprised. Kotaku is an award-winning outlet known for covering deep and complex topics such as ‘How good does Ubisoft’s E3 presenter smell?’ or ‘How to have sex on a Sonic the Hedgehog bed’. Those are real, by the way. Wasn’t sure if you would believe me or not… most people think I’m joking for some reason. No, we weren’t hacked, why?”
Karine Jean-Pierre, White House Press Secretary, spoke to our beat reporter Robert Madcatz. "Actually, we had considered letting Kotaku in; they had agreed to trade a leaked copy of Tears of the Kingdom for press room access. Unfortunately, when it came time for them to hand over the game, a bunch of ninjas broke in, grabbed the copy of Zelda, and ran. Outside of a note they left informing us that Nintendo was suing the White House for roughly the GDP of Zimbabwe, they didn't leave a trace. After that, we felt it was best to part ways."
At the time of publication, Kotaku’s Editor-in-Chief, Nick Denton, was spotted pouring an entire jar of ranch dressing into his mouth as part of some sort of protest on the Capitol steps.
More Articles
" ...covering deep and complex topics such as ‘How good does Ubisoft’s E3 presenter smell?’ or ‘How to have sex on a Sonic the Hedgehog bed’. "
It's genuinely telling that I'm not sure if you're adding hyperbole here for the sake of parody or if Kotaku has actually ran those headlines.
Everything referenced here is, believe it or not, a genuine article that was published at one point or another.
Someone developed enough self awareness to remove most of them so you'll have to use the wayback machine to find the majority of the things referenced here, but some like the Sonic article are still up to this day.
good article man!
What the hell is going on here ??
I thought I smelled a Babylon Bee in here.
I wouldn't be surprised if Kotaku actually did that at this point.
its actually cool that kotaku published the totk information. whats lame as fuck is fanboys complaining that journalists wouldnt withhold information for the sake of the multi billion dollar company
Even if true - which is kinda dubious - you shouldn't be surprised if you get blacklisted afterwards, not to mention showing readers how to get pirated copies of Metroid Dread. Welcome to the consequences of your own actions.
And it takes a gross, cringy turn when someone like Luke Plunkett frames this with a picture of a WWII Allied pilot with his previous score against Axis pilots.
I'd rather be a publication that does cool shit than one that just serves as a marketing machine. Call it consequences of their actions all you want, but pointing out that nintendo games consistently run better on non nintendo hardware does reveal a real issue for the company, which is what the Dread article did. If you're already blacklisted who cares about getting on their good side
You're making an either/or fallacy. Even Kotaku themselves admitted their first-published draft didn't meet their 'standards' of perceptively promoting piracy while also bringing up Switch's issues.
-"If you're already blacklisted who cares about getting on their good side"
I mean... apparently they do given certain writers need to whine about it or frame themselves as heroic.
I don't care about the apology line they put out. I stand by saying that piracy is cool and good and that the coverage of it was fine. Yea sure some guy at Kotaku got a bit snippy about it. It's not a big deal to people who can be normal about this.
Also just claiming that there's a fallacy and naming it isn't actually descriptive about any argument being made. It's not an either/or fallacy, because an either/or fallacy presents a false dichotomy. Claiming that something is mutually exclusive does not inherently mean an either/or fallacy has occurred, because some things are actually mutually exclusive, or some things can be causal. In this case, if you don't publish information due to wanting to appease a company, then yeah you're serving as a function of marketing.
I'll give you credit for saying the quiet part out loud, but that shows this comment chain will be sunsetting soon.
-"Yea sure some guy at Kotaku got a bit snippy about it. It's not a big deal to people who can be normal about this."
I don't know... seems more normal to call a goober out when he lionizes himself in some 'fight' of epic proportions. That's the cringe shit you see on Reddit, 4chan, etc.
-"Also just claiming that there's a fallacy and naming it isn't actually descriptive about any argument being made."
Given how it seems to fall squarely into that category, I'm not really compelled to give a verbose dissertation on it. Even with your rebuttal, it just seems like you're doubling down to no effect. Game publications don't have to exist on two extremes: you can be someone who doesn't casually guide viewers to pirating sites AND ALSO NOT be a shameless marketing machine. I feel like I've covered all the bases on that point.
Wtf is this article in aid of? What’s the point of slandering Kotaku with a fabricated story?
